To Be Loved Or To Love

© Staci Stallings

To Be Loved Or To Love

Recently I had to put into actual words something I've been living for the last couple of years. The occasion was a new Holy Spirit friend who felt bad because she hadn't paid for the meals we had shared together with another friend of mine. I laughed and told my new friend, "Hey, paying is relative with us. We don't keep track of who has paid how many times or who owes whom for what. We give, and the rest takes care of itself."

Shortly after this conversation I had cause to examine another common life situation-a friend who wants to be married but hasn't yet found Mr. Wonderful. I knew from talking with her that she had prayed for him to come into her life for years. As I thought about several inputs I'd been receiving from the Holy Spirit, however, it occurred to me to ask if she had ever thought to pray for him-as in for his well being, for his peace, for his joy. Praying for his benefit rather than for him to show up is very different.

As I thought about this, I started to ask, "Why? Why does that feel like such a monumental shift?" And the answer came: "It's the difference between wanting to be loved and wanting to love."

Wanting to be loved is about you. It's about how another can make you feel better, how they can help you, and about you wanting something you believe you do not have. It is literally taking. In a very real way wanting to be loved and striving to get someone to love you sap so much energy that no amount of love can ever fill void for very long.

Wanting to love on the other hand is expansive. You can give out as much love as is in your heart, and when you look back in it, there is more love to give. Loving creates more love. In fact, the only way to get more love is to love.

Some time ago I had a problem in that I needed someone to babysit my children while I went out on short notice. My regular babysitter couldn't do it. When I mentioned the problem to a friend, she immediately said, "I'll be right over." Another friend commented on how people are willing to drop whatever they are doing to come and help me, and why is that? I said, "Maybe because I've dropped everything to help them enough times."

But as I looked at this answer with the "be loved or to love" question in mind, I began to see a deeper dimension to this answer. You see, I don't drop everything to help someone else with the goal being that at some point I want to be paid back. In fact, I've often said if you expect so much as a thank you in return for a good deed, it's not a gift-it's a bribe. So I don't expect anything in return. I just love.

The remarkable thing is how often this love comes back to me at the times I most need it. For example, I recently came down with pneumonia. I felt terrible, but luckily, I was not put in the hospital. Instead, I was sent home to be with my three young kids. I made it through the day, but by evening I was exhausted.

My husband had a late meeting that night, so I was to be home with my kids all evening by myself. At about four, one of my friends called to see how I was doing. I explained what was going on, and she said, "I can't stay all evening, but I can come right now for awhile." She came and helped my daughter get through her homework assignments. Just after she left, a second friend called. She said, "All I need is a yes or no answer. I'm coming over. Do you need me to bring anything?"

Sure enough, I spent only 20 minutes that night by myself with the kids. Other than that, I got to rest. It's true I've spent many hours with each of these friends helping them with things, but the truth is I did that because I loved them, not because I wanted them to love me.

Funny thing though. In focusing my energy on loving them, I got loved in return. Hmmm....

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Looking for more inspiration? Read the first three chapters of Staci's new book, "Cowboy" free! Go to: http://www.stacistallings.com/CowboyPreview.htm You'll feel better for the experience!